When talking about the mental health of boys and young men, we have to recognize that their struggles don’t always present in the ways we expect. Typically, we may look for sadness, crying, or someone saying, “I’m having a hard time.” For a lot of boys, that’s just not how it comes out.
It shows up as anger. Irritability. Isolation. Getting into trouble. Losing interest in things they used to love. A grade slipping. A door that stays closed more than it used to. Taking risks that don’t add up. Or a kid who just gets quieter.
Supporting boys’ mental health means looking past the behavior and asking what’s underneath it. Acenda’s Michael Garcia, BA, supervising prevention consultant with NJ4S, and Dhara Bachman, associate director of NJ4S, provided their insight into connecting and working with boys while supporting their mental wellbeing.
Struggling Behind Closed Doors
Boys and young men experience anxiety, depression, grief, trauma, low self-esteem, loneliness and stress the same as anyone else. What’s different is that a lot of them haven’t been given the language for it, or don’t feel like they have permission to voice their thoughts and feeling.
Many boys and young men grew up hearing some version of “boys don’t cry,” “man up,” “shake it off,” or “you’re fine” in response to signs of mental health struggles. Rather than teaching boys that they must be okay at all costs, we need to clarify what it means to be resilient and emphasize that it is safe to ask for help.
In our NJ4S work, we run an activity with young men where we draw a line on the floor and ask them to step on it every time we name a stereotype about masculinity they’ve personally encountered.
“Boys don’t cry.” Step. “Man up.” Step. “Real men don’t ask for help.” Step.
By the end, most of the room is standing on that line with both feet — and each foot represents a moment where someone could have told them something different, and didn’t. It’s a simple activity, but it makes the point better than any lecture could: these messages aren’t abstract. They land early, they land often and they come from people the kids trust. That’s exactly why the work of changing the narrative can’t be a one-time conversation. It has to be as consistent and as repeated as the stereotypes were.
A young man can be strong and still be struggling. Sometimes anger is sadness without a name. Sometimes shutting down is anxiety. The kid who seems unmotivated might be overwhelmed. The kid who gets into trouble might not have any idea how to voice his anxiety. As parents and educators, our job is to keep asking: what is this behavior communicating?
Normalize Asking for Help
If we want boys to reach out when they need it, we can’t wait until they’re in crisis to introduce the idea. Mental health has to be part of ordinary conversation, and that starts at home.
Parents model this by being honest, not by putting adult problems on their kids. Show them that everyone has hard days and that taking care of yourself sometimes means asking for support. “Today was rough, so I’m going to take some time to reset,” teaches something. So does, “I don’t know how to handle this on my own, so I’m going to ask someone.”
It also matters how we respond when a boy actually does open up. If the response to real vulnerability is, “That’s nothing to be upset about” or “You need to toughen up,” we’ve just taught him it wasn’t worth it. We want him to walk away knowing that he will always be listened to and he doesn’t have to carry the weight of his feelings on his own.
Don’t Force Conversation
A mistake a lot of parents make is assuming that supporting their son’s mental health means sitting him down and saying, “Tell me how you’re feeling.” For some kids, that works. For a lot of others, it gets you “I’m fine,” “nothing,” “I don’t know,” or “leave me alone.” These reactions don’t mean that he doesn’t want to talk. It usually means he doesn’t know how to verbalize his feelings in that format.
The better conversations often happen side by side, not face to face. In the car. On a walk. Shooting baskets. Fixing something together. Playing a video game. Grabbing food. Boys will often say things in the middle of doing something else that they’d never bring up in a formal sit-down.
When your child does start talking, listen before you fix. It can be difficult as a parent, because our instinct is to protect our children. But sometimes a kid isn’t asking you to solve anything. He’s asking you to understand. A simple “Do you want help figuring this out, or do you just need me to listen?” can change the whole conversation.
Typical Teenage Behavior or Something More?
Teenagers are teenagers. Bad moods, wanting privacy, getting frustrated with their parents, days where they don’t feel like talking; none of that on its own is a red flag.
What we tell parents to watch for is change. A son who’s always been quiet is different from a son who suddenly pulls away from everyone. A kid who’s always been a little moody is different from weeks of real irritability. If he’s always cared about sports, gaming, friends or music and suddenly none of it interests him, that’s worth paying attention to.
Try to keep the following in mind when monitoring your child’s mental well-being:
- sleep
- eating
- grades
- friendships
- conflict
- substance use
- risk-taking
When several of these traits start showing up together, or a change sticks around and starts affecting their everyday life, it may be time to seek professional support.
You also don’t need to be completely sure before you act. If your gut is telling you, “this isn’t my kid,” that’s worth listening to. Getting ahead of it through check ins and conversation is not overreacting.
Friendships Offer Support and Stability
For boys, friendship is a major piece of emotional resilience but it doesn’t always look like emotional conversation. Spending hours on a basketball court, gaming, working on homework, or fishing can allow boys to feel supported and connected, even if they never discuss their feelings.
The real question isn’t whether your son has a group of friends. It’s whether he has healthy connections. Does he have people he trusts? Does he feel like he belongs somewhere? Is there someone he’d call if things went sideways? Do his friends build him up or wear him down? Does he feel like he has to perform a certain way to fit in?
Parents help most here by creating chances for their kids to find their people through sports, clubs, music, gaming, volunteering, jobs — whatever gives them room to build relationships around something they actually care about. Belonging matters. Sometimes the most important thing a young person needs to know is simply: there are people who want me here.
How Parents Can Help
There’s no single mental wellness routine that works for every kid, but a few things consistently make a difference:
Drive Conversation: Make mental health part of normal conversation not something you only bring up when something’s wrong.
Pay Attention to Behavior: Kids often show us before they tell us.
Build Vocabulary: Help them verbalize their feelings; “mad” is frequently standing in for disappointment, embarrassment, fear, or feeling rejected.
Protect the Basics: Sleep, movement, food, time away from screens and real relationships are all crucial to healthy development.
Allow Difficulties: Let them struggle without letting them struggle alone; independence isn’t the same thing as isolation.
Be a Role Model: Show them how you cope with stress and disappointment yourself, because they’re watching that closely.
Ask for Help: Don’t be afraid to bring in outside help, like a school counselor, therapist, coach or another trusted adult. Sometimes they can reach a kid in a way a parent can’t.
Remember not to measure your success as a parent by how much your son talks. Some boys talk a lot, some talk in short bursts. Some communicate through humor, or through actions rather than words. Your job isn’t to force a particular kind of conversation — it’s to keep the door open.
How Educators Can Help
As an adult who spend much of the day with students, you may be the first to notice the changes in a child’s behavior. Maybe your typically talkative, engaged student isn’t raising his hand anymore, or the kid who was always surrounded by friends is now eating alone. Sometimes teachers can catch the shift before parents do.
This doesn’t mean that it’s your responsibility to be your students’ therapist. However, there are a few things you can do to offer support while maintaining healthy boundaries, including:
Building Relationships: Having casual, welcoming relationships with your students can allow them to feel more comfortable opening up to you if something is wrong or they are struggling.
Checking In: If you notice a student is acting differently or feeling down, a quick check in before or after class can show that you care and offer a safe space for them to confide in you, if needed. Sometimes the most powerful thing you can say is just, “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed a little different lately and wanted to check in.”
Offering Resources: Your student may not feel comfortable opening up to you, and that’s okay. Instead, have resources on hand to provide them with.
By being available and showing your students that you care about them, you open up the pathway for support on their terms.
Moving Forward
Encouraging boys to open up about their feelings and form healthy emotional skills all comes down to connection. Telling boys to “talk more about their feelings” isn’t the whole answer. Instead, we need to build home environments, schools, teams and communities where boys know they’re allowed to have emotions, allowed to struggle and allowed to ask for help.
Prevention starts long before there is a crisis. Work on building the relationship before they need it. When a young person finally reaches the point where he needs help, the question shouldn’t be, “Why didn’t he tell someone?” It should be, “Does he know who he can go to?” That’s something our parents, educators, coaches and communities can work toward, starting now.
Seeking professional support for your child?
About the Authors
Michael Garcia, BA, is a supervising prevention consultant with Acenda Integrated Health’s NJ4S program, supporting prevention initiatives, school partnerships and student mental well-being across South Jersey. His background spans mental health counseling, crisis intervention, suicide prevention, youth development, school-based prevention and clinical and behavioral health services, with a focus on early intervention, building protective factors and helping young people find their way to the adults who can support them.
Dhara Bachman is an associate director of NJ4S, an Acenda program serving children within their school systems. Bachman has been with the organization since 2023, offering support for students, families and educators as they navigate mental and behavioral health challenges.
Riley de Jong, the Content & Engagement Strategist with Acenda’s Brand, Marketing & Engagement team, attended the University of California – Los Angeles for her undergraduate degree in Communication and minor in Entrepreneurship. She enjoys supporting her community, telling engaging stories, and connecting with others.
