Bumble, Hinge, eHarmony, Tinder — dating apps and websites offer a whole new method to meeting your person, complete with layers of verifications, filters and prompts. While online dating presents an interesting way to meet others in a largely digital world, there is research that shows that it can negatively impact users’ mental health. Based on a review of online dating studies, researchers found that nearly 50% of the studies reported that dating app usage had a significant negative impact on mental health and wellbeing. Additionally, a Pew Research study of U.S. online dating users revealed that 46% would describe their experience on dating as “somewhat negative” and “very negative.”
“While online dating offers unprecedented access to potential partners, it often facilitates a ‘gamified’ environment that can lead to dehumanization by turning dating into a numbers game that can leave one feeling more like a product than a person,” says Gregory Cooke, M.Ed., a therapist with Acenda’s Keeping Families Together. “Over time, if we aren’t careful, we might start allowing an algorithm or a stranger’s split-second decision to define our self-worth. It’s important to remember that a lack of matches is typically a reflection of the app’s design, not a reflection of your value as a person.”
In an effort to discover healthier ways to go about dating online, we reached out to Acenda’s clinicians to gather some insight into the ways dating apps can affect your mental wellbeing and what you can do to help. Here’s what they said:
How can online dating negatively affect one’s self-esteem and mental wellbeing?
Creating a profile for a dating app can be an intimidating task, as you try to condense yourself and your personality into witty quips and a carousel of photos. Online dating encourages comparison and quick judgement, asking users to make split second decisions on their romantic interests based on a very limited amount of information.
“Online dating can quietly activate our insecurities and the parts of us that already question our worth,” writes Tianna Dow, MSW, LSW, a therapist for Acenda Integrated Health’s Early Intervention Support Services. “When you pair that with ghosting, delayed responses, superficial conversations, or matches that go nowhere, it can start to feel personal — even when it isn’t.”
Ghosting occurs when a user chooses to stop responding to a potential match without any explanation or context. While fairly common on dating apps, it can still feel like a personal social rejection. Remembering that dating apps are a tool for you to use to your advantage is crucial. Their algorithms are never a measure of your value or deservingness in finding a romantic partner.
If you find yourself feeling exhausted or cynical while swiping, you could be experiencing “dating app fatigue.” This can happen after spending an extended period on the apps without any interesting matches or conversations. If you do begin to feel fatigued by the apps, give yourself grace and take a break.
“Just like any other form of burnout, the remedy is stepping away to recharge your emotional battery,” Cooke writes. “During this break, refocus your energy on the things that make you feel most like yourself – hobbies, friends, or simply resting without the pressure of a potential match. Dating should ideally add value to your life – not drain it.”
What is your best advice for someone looking to find their partner through online dating apps?
If you do choose to look for a partner through dating apps, there are some ways you can go about protecting your mental wellbeing while doing so:
Stay true to yourself: Don’t present an overly polished, perfected version of yourself online, as it can lead to miscommunications about your values and desires in a relationship.
Maintain your standards: Even when you are feeling discouraged, it’s important to uphold the standards you have for a partner to avoid matching with those who will not support you in the ways you deserve.
Take it off the apps: Once you have verified that a person you have matched with is safe and aligned on your relationship goals, meet them out in a public place. Meeting up in person can show you a lot about their timeliness, comfortability, manners, and personality.
This guidance from Dow and Cooke can help you put your best and most authentic self forward when using dating apps.
What advice would you give to someone who is looking to date without dating apps?
If you’re looking to take your dating life off the apps and into the real world, Cooke and Dow recommend making an intentional effort to put yourself out there. Join an interest group (like local biking clubs or a crafting group), attend local events, volunteer, say yes to invitations from friends — get out and about in your community.
“The deeper advice is this: build a life you love being in,” Dow writes. “Energy shifts and partnership is more likely when YOU are an active part of a life you enjoy.”
By getting out and being active in your community, you are making yourself visible and approachable to potential partners, especially those whose interests and values align with yours.
What are a couple of steps you can follow before getting on the apps that will help you maintain your mental health and self-esteem while you’re swiping?
While it can be tempting to just make a split second decision to just put yourself out there on a dating app, Cooke and Dow recommend taking a step back and identifying your goals and limits before jumping in.
If you’re thinking of downloading a dating app, or even if you’re feeling conflicted after downloading one, try taking the following steps before logging on:
Clarify your intentions: Identify what it is you want from the app: connection, companionship, marriage, fun, validation? Ask yourself, “Am I emotionally available for this type of relationship?”
Determine your dealbreakers and your must haves: Figure out what you absolutely do not want in a partner and behaviors you will not tolerate and write them down. Hold yourself accountable to this list to protect yourself from getting into a relationship that you know will make you unhappy. Do the same thing with qualities and behaviors that you absolutely want in a partner, writing them down to remind yourself what you want and deserve.
Build internal validation: Dating apps rely heavily on our need for external validation to encourage you to keep swiping. To avoid falling into a cynical cycle of swiping, make sure you build yourself up before you get on an app. Remind yourself that you are worthy of respect, honesty, loyalty, and love, above all else.
Set a time limit: As soon as you have the app downloaded, set up a daily 20-30 minute time limit for it. Dating is not meant to consume your life and free time, and clear boundaries can prevent it from doing so.
Identify your green flags: Take the time to write down the characteristics you find attractive in a partner. Dow and Cooke recommend looking for the following:
- Clear, consistent communication
- Transparency about relationship goals
- Accountability language regarding mistakes and past relationships
- Balanced lifestyle involving friends, work, hobbies, and stability
- Respectful tone toward all people
- Understands boundaries — physical and emotional
Take these into consideration when crafting your list of traits and characteristics you desire in a partner. Write it down somewhere you can easily revisit. While flexibility and compromise are important aspects of a relationship, sticking to your desires and needs at the beginning will make it easier to know where you can let things slide later on.
Moving Forward
Online dating opens up the pool of potential partners vastly, which can offer a great opportunity to meet people outside of your community. However, the exposure and vulnerability required when you are on the apps can be draining and can perpetuate negative feelings that you have about yourself. Understanding that dating apps and partnership do not determine your value or desirability is a critical step in the process.
Making a conscious effort to protect yourself and your mental wellbeing while embarking on your dating journey will allow you to feel more open and free to explore romantic relationships.
“When you enter the dating field feeling whole – with your own hobbies, friendships, and goals already in place – you’re much less likely to seek external validation from a screen,” Cooke writes.
Looking for more tips on building boundaries and preserving your mental health? Check out our blog!
About the Authors
Gregory Cooke, M.Ed., is a therapist for Acenda’s Keeping Families Together (KFT) program, where he works to support Child Protection and Permanency families seeking safe and permanent housing. He has worked at Acenda since 2024.
Tianna Dow, MSW, LSW, is a therapist for Acenda’s Early Intervention Support Services (EISS) program, a short-term service for immediate mental health outpatient assistance. Since starting at Acenda in 2022, Dow has offered therapy for those experiencing mental health crises throughout South Jersey.
Riley de Jong, the Content & Engagement Strategist with Acenda’s Brand, Marketing & Engagement team, attended the University of California – Los Angeles for her undergraduate degree in Communication and minor in Entrepreneurship. She enjoys supporting her community, telling engaging stories, and connecting with others.
Sources
Dating apps and their relationship with body image, mental health and wellbeing: A systematic review - ScienceDirect
Key findings about online dating in the U.S. - Pew Research Center